My cousin recently asked me if I could tackle the question of balance in the home. She asked me how to teach her child gratitude and how to distinguish what she needs from what she wants. This is a loaded topic, and I am sure most parents deal with these issues at some point in the cycle of parenting. I'll discuss balance, needs vs. wants, and will give the topic of gratitude its own place in another discussion. I want to share a few ideas I have learned about creating balance, because I have found so many ways of making it something that is truly achievable. With that said, I add a disclaimer- my own efforts in keeping balance resemble the sea- constant with the tides and calm waves flowing upon the sand, then out of nowhere stormy and self-destructive, with lots of work to clean it up. Creating balance in the home is one of those things that is achievable, yet at the same time can hold such a fine line that it can seem lost as soon as it is found. It takes effort.
I have figured out myself enough to know that I am the type of person who can tolerate a high level of stress, but will internalize it to the point of burning out, therefore, my lifelong need has been in search of the balanced life. Since most of my life has been as a home maker- a balanced life is almost equivalent to a balanced home.
In our home the keys to creating balance are multi faceted. I look at order in terms of keeping the right balance of what are my family's spiritual needs, physical needs, emotional needs, educational needs, social needs, household work, and recreational needs. All are essential to a home that brings order into our lives.
Taking care of my family's spiritual needs is my first priority. This is where the foundation is laid, and all other matters rest upon this foundation. I recognize that ultimately I answer to God for the choices I make, and how I live my life is going to affect how my children will view all spiritual matters, and shape their own faith. How I view God will impact how my children view Him. If I have a live a life of faith and love for God, it is lived out before my children. It is shown in the love I have for them and others, the patience I show them and others, the grace, virtue and strength that help me to have integrity.
Not only is it important for my family to see faith alive in my life, but it is important for me to teach them about what I believe. Religious education is so important in helping a child understand about the faith that is being lived out in the home. I don't believe it is enough to leave it only to your church, or place of worship, or for that matter a religious school. It must be talked about in the home. Do your children know the reasons for the traditions you keep? Do they understand the basic doctrines of your faith? Do you come home and talk about the lessons you learned in your place of worship? Do they know how to pray? Is learning about their faith something they enjoy, or is it a chore? Do you bring joy to them when you teach them about God, or are you forcing them? Teaching them about your faith does not need to be difficult, boring, or irrelevant. Simple prayers can be taught to the youngest of toddlers, followed by stories about what you believe, and as they get older even the history and theology of your beliefs can be something they enjoy learning about, as they take a deeper interest in the things you believe. Keep it appropriate.
Physical needs are the supporting beams built upon the foundation and the caring of emotional needs shelter the home with its covering. They are not only the basic necessities like food, clothing and shelter, but touch, love and discipline. But even in the basics, it is easy in these times to get off track.
Food for instance at one time was something viewed in terms of survival, and in many places still is, but in our culture in the effort to keep up with our lifestyles, there is gluttony, pickiness, and overall bad eating habits. It is up to the parents to direct children to eat properly. I will never forget my good friend sharing how her daughter would only eat noodles. She had brought this up to her family doctor and was grateful to have been given a gentle chastisement when the doctor made the remark, "who's the parent?" I have been really fortunate to have children who are willing to eat anything on the plate in front of them and to have self control at the dinner table, but I believe it is because it was ingrained early in their lives. We taught them table manners as toddlers. My husband set the example by thanking mom for the food and reminding the children to be thankful. We also thanked God for the food. At restaurants the first thing we did was take their utensils until the meal came, so they would not have a reason to play with the silverware. If they acted out they were removed from the table and corrected. This was done outside if it was a restaurant. It doesn't take long to teach very young children manners, and is so enjoyable when you can sit down and enjoy a good meal with your whole family.
A few words on gluttony and pickiness; remind children to have self control when serving themselves, taking only what they plan to finish. It's alright to get seconds if they can eat more. Encourage them to try different foods, to take a small bite size portions to try. I told my children that when they try something it is showing appreciation to the person who made the food. On gluttony, while I always gave my children the freedom to have seconds, I would question them on thirds, asking are you eating more because you are still hungry or because it tastes good? This would help them to think about their choices. If we were in a buffet, I reminded them to consider how much they took because others wanted to try, so not to load up on one type of food being served. We try to eat healthy foods at home, yet when we are guests, I tell my children they can and should show gratitude for anything served to them at someone else's home, even if it is something they are not used to eating. As an Orthodox Christian, there are frequent times of fasting from meats and dairy, but if someone has gone through the trouble of preparing a non vegetarian meal, a principle I would follow is to welcome the love and generosity shown than to offend the person by placing what I eat as more important than the individual's hospitality.
Another basic need to meet is shelter. Here I feel that each family has freedom to live within their means, but when addressing the issue of creating balance, I think often having a certain kind of home and living above one's means can throw balance way off. If a husband and wife have no time for each other, or no time for their children because they are trying to keep up with the Jones, maybe it means it's time to rethink their priorities. On the other hand, if you are experiencing extreme financial hardship, it is still important to consider health and safety, and all options to choosing a place to live. For those who have abundance, count your blessings and teach your children compassion towards those with less.
What does creating balance have to do with our basic need of clothing? In our house every so often we purge. Of course children grow fast out of their clothes. Sometimes we had clothing that they would take ages to grow into. It once got to the point, where I just did not have space. In Hawaii, most homes don't have basements and attics like on the mainland that you can store everything. I'd have them look through their clothing and purge clothes that were too small, stained, torn, or that they did not like or wear. Sometimes I have given them a guideline to have a certain number of pants, tops, undergarments, etc. and we would see if there was excess, or if it was time to go shopping to replace clothing.
The emotional well being of the family is just as important as in meeting their physical needs. I think parenting classes and books are really helpful in providing insight in good parenting skills, but I have never found one class and one book as the perfect one with everything that works. Instead I glean, and try out ideas that I believe my family would respond to. I will say, however, that Gary Chapman, has a series of books on the 5 languages of love, which have helped me a lot in recognizing my spouse's and children's emotional needs. Good communication and good listening skills are always important in strong relationships. Get in tune to their needs, because they are often not the same as yours. I have some children who need lots of touch, yet some who just don't like hugs, or cuddling, but would rather do something together, or get a special gift. On the other hand, while I think of balance, I have often seen parents who are so focused in keeping their children "happy" that they create high maintenance emotionally needy children. Perhaps this parent needs some help in determining boundaries, and carrying out discipline. There are so many good books and seminars, take advantage of them, and utilize what you learn. If you can't meet the emotional needs of your family, there can be many reasons that might involve seeking professional help. Children's emotional, physical and learning disabilities, parental stress, anxiety, depression, postpartum adjustments, sickness, grieving the loss of a loved one, and many other situations that throw off your family's balance may be too much to handle alone, and often sharing with close friends, a support group of those in similar circumstances, or seeking spiritual or medical counseling can help bring the order back into your life.
Where a faith lays the foundation of the home, and the caring for the physical and emotional needs provide the structure and covering of the home, meeting the educational, social, work and recreational needs are what complete and fill the home.
Because I have home-schooled all our children, some people have thought that I am against any other kind of education. This is absolutely not true. What is true, is that I believe the education of children is the responsibility of the parent. This means that whether you choose to home school, to send your child to public or private school, you as a parent are responsible. When I homeschool my child, I am aware of my strengths and weaknesses in what I can teach well and what I can not. I am aware of the curriculum choices I make, and whether or not it is conducive to our homeschooling environment. I am aware of the way my child learns, and work to his strengths, and look for ways to help him in the weak areas. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I need outside help. I don't think it is different for a parent whose child is in public or private school. In a healthy home, a parent should be aware of what his child is learning in school. Listen to the child, but listen to the teacher's also. Lots of responsibility is placed on teachers. I have family members and good friends who have devoted themselves to teaching other children and it is an awesome task. Some parents are a tremendous asset to the teacher. There are parents who volunteer, parents who guide their child with assignments, communicate special concerns with the teacher to strategize for success, and show gratitude to the teacher for the service he does. Some parents, on the other hand, are not supportive to the teacher, don't follow through at home with their children, make excuses for their child's poor behavior or lack of discipline. They think it is up to the teacher to raise their child as they become spectators. Please find a balanced and healthy way to be involved in your child's education. Even if you can't be directly involved in their school, you can encourage a healthy learning environment at home, providing books, limiting television and computer games, helping your child discover the world around him through the activities you choose and the people who enter your home and influence their lives.
This leads into the area of giving your child a balanced social life. People in your social circle are some of the strongest influencers, besides yourself, in your child's life. It is important for them to have positive role models. I believe strongly in helping children in their social surroundings. When they interact with their peers, be aware if they are overly aggressive, or timid or introverted. Help them be socially aware of other children. Teach them what to do if they find someone who seems "different" whether culturally, or physically. Be aware of the amount of time your child spends only with other children. While it may be fun for your child to spend all his time with other children, he could become peer dependent and not know appropriate behavior around adults or elderly people. For your child to have good social skills at various age levels, genres, or cultures, he should have a healthy balance of the time he spends with them. Include them in your adult friendships by talking to them and not sending them off to leave you and your adult friend alone. It's fine, to have time alone with your friends, but bring some balance by helping your child feel welcome with your friends, and respectful when its time to allow the adults some adult time alone. Teach them a proper respect around old people, patience in listening to their stories, or helping the elderly with a physical need. Small children could be made aware of the safety around old people, like not to run. They should be taught to sacrifice a seat when and elderly person needs to sit. These are all positive social experiences for your child, yet what about the social situations that unavoidably are difficult or negative?
We all grew up with hearing "don't talk to strangers" and "don't take drugs" and "tell me where you are going". Let's face it, we can't trust everyone. There are cautions we need to communicate to our children. There is such a thing as a healthy fear, but without balance, there is also unhealthy fear. Most people are not out to harm our children, but they need to know that some are and what to do if they find themselves in an unexpected situation with someone who is "not nice". I think the best thing is to equip your child. If you forbid and control all freedom as they do interact socially, it will be hard for them to learn and mature on their own, to be confident in their own decisions, and possibly becoming overly fearful or rebellious. It's hard for parents to protect their child every moment, and while we want to keep them safe, we should not suffocate them. There is a risk we take in having children, but giving the healthy fear and healthy trust, we help prepare them into adulthood.
Next, I would like to share a few thoughts on household work. It's just one of those things that cant be neglected. There are two extremes when it comes to household work. There is the home where the house is god and there is all work and no play, but gee, it sure is a pretty house, and there is the house that the family dares not to invite anyone over because its just a filthy mess. What's the balance? I admire people who "love to clean" and I wish I could say "I love to clean". The truth is I love a clean house, but I could choose plenty of other things I would rather do than clean. My saving grace is that I am a good delegator, and know how to divide up chores so our entire family can share the responsibility. With small children I like that they are helping more then how good they are doing the job. Gradually they get better and gradually I expect a better job. This has sometimes come across as a double standard to my older daughters expectation of their younger sister's work looking as good as their own, but I tend to have a little more grace about it- I prefer not to squelch the work done by laying extra burdens that they might not be capable of yet. It seems when they are exasperated about work, they want to give up more easily. It's a problem with young children if you want a perfectly spotless house. Some parents would rather do the work themselves. I think it's good for the child to learn. At 7, mine were washing dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting and sweeping- not perfectly, but it was a big help. If you cant handle missed spots, etc. may I suggest what my friend told me, and that was her child's bedroom was her own. She allowed for it to not always be picked up the way she would want the rest of her house cleaned. In that special room it was her child's own space to decorate, clean or leave messy. Children can learn work responsibility in the home. Parents need only adjust to what they are willing to live with. Only, beware of the extremes.
I finally am ready to discuss recreation. Who doesn't need a recreation outlet. Having a sport, activity, a hobby, a skill or talent you wish to develop, or some kind of way to de-stress is good for us. It is good, isn't it? Of course, in balance. I know this first hand. My family loves recreation so much, we could end up letting recreation take over our lives! In fact, it almost did! My intentions were set on our many activities being good things to do. My children were involved in sports, in music lessons, in community service all the time. It came to the point that we did not have enough hours in our day for all the other essentials. I was getting burnt out! While on the one hand, I didn't want my children to have to give up any of their activities, because they were good activities, I knew we would have to give some things up. I had 5 kids to keep activated, and I was going to end up loosing sight of what we really needed. I gave my children a say in the decision, after all they were the ones doing the activity. I needed to be willing to let them keep the activity they loved the most vs. the one that I would pick for them. It turned out all good. We got the balance back, and everyone was having fun. Did you know that some kids prefer little league to boy scouts, and some would rather take piano lessons than be on the swim team? If you are burning out from your recreation, call a family meeting. Maybe letting go isn't so bad!
Well this is my little summary on creating balance. It's like building a house that will stand. I could probably write tons more on each of these topics, but for purposes of keeping it in a readable blog, I'm only summarizing. If you like anything here and want me to input more on a particular topic, just leave me a comment, and I'll do my best. Thanks for sticking with me!
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