A Mixed Bag of Readers

I am hoping I have hit the jackpot for my youngest child who I shall just say is a reluctant reader. We saw the book "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" on the display at our local Walmart and to my surprise when I offered to buy it for her she was receptive to the idea. She finished the book in two days and was hounding me for the rest of the series.
Twelve years ago, when my oldest son was her age, I would not even consider buying a book like this. Books I read on teaching and on parenting focused on quality. We stuck to the classics, and the Newbury Award books. Books like "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" would not make the quality list. They made the fluff list, and fluff is not a good thing to fill a child's mind with when they can have quality. Since then, I am coming around to see that perhaps there is a place for the fluff books after all.
If homeschooling my children has taught me anything, that would be that there is no one size fits all. Each of our children are unique, and individually have their own strengths, weaknesses, and of course personality. Because I personally love to read, and have an extensive library in my home that I have collected over the years, did not automatically mean my children would also share my passion. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Still, I wanted them to drink- I saw the benefits and so could never give up on finding a way to get them to read.
I read often aloud often for hours, especially to my older children (when I had more time). This was actually a great time because we could read engaging chapter books that were hard to put down, that they were not ready to read on their own due to the higher level or more difficult vocabulary. It was hard making the transition to reading aloud to getting them to read, and with each of them, I took different approaches to making this transition.
My poor oldest son did not have much say in what he was able to read. I was not going to buy fluff and let him fill his precious mind with nonsense. I picked the books and he had to read them. To his credit, he was a compliant child and read even the books he didn't like. God bless him for reading all 1200 pages of the unabridged Les Miserables at 14 years old- What was I thinking! Educationally, perhaps the reading benefited him for college, but I don't know if he ever new the fun of reading with the exception of only a few of the books on the list.
I started to loosen up a little bit with my second son. I still wanted him to focus on quality books, but we here and there would get a few books that were just silly.  I thought I was going to be reading aloud to him forever, because he always wanted me to read the first couple of chapters. Then I discovered that he was an auditory learner. he needed to hear the story to put the characters and setting in place, and after that could proceed to reading the rest of the story on his own. I ended up collecting unabridged audio books to help him get going. It was a good balance, it kick started him, and he still enjoys reading.
My third child, and oldest daughter, never had a reading issue. When it came to reading, she was the model reader I thought they all would be. She saw her older brother's lists and books and was challenged to read them. She wanted to outdo his lists! When he refused to finish reading Crime and Punishment because it was so depressing, it was his sister who took up the challenge to read all of it. My oldest daughter has surpassed me in the amount she reads, but with her, the momentum of bringing up enthusiastic readers fizzles as her younger sisters do not share this passion.
Fourth child, middle daughter- I really wondered if she would ever learn to read. She wanted to learn, we tried and tried, when I finally found someone who could tutor her using a different approach using the Orton-Gillingham Approach. Once she got going, she enjoyed the Little House series of books, and then got hooked on Nancy Drew. I began to wonder if she would ever try more challenging books, and when we started a book club with a group of her friends, she really stepped up to the plate. This motivated her, although I can't say it gave her a love for reading. Maybe some people read when they need to, and others read when they want to. I'm learning to be ok with that. I'm glad she reads.
Now this brings me to "Diary of a Wimpy Kid." My youngest child lacks interest in books- well not all books, she likes the activity type of interactive books, or books I would call fluff- just not the typical chapter books the average sixth grader would be interested in. I've tried a huge variety that I see others her age reading, but she's not interested. Even when I read aloud to her, it is much harder to keep her focused and interested as when I would read to her siblings. What was different about this book were the magic words I heard her tell her older sister (the one who loves to read). She said, "Guess what? I'm starting to like reading now!" Thank you fluff books! And there you have my mixed bag of readers!

About Humility

Today's theme of the day seemed to be humility. It all started this morning, a Sunday morning, and as Murphy's Law goes, what can go wrong goes wrong. The last thing I want on a Sunday morning when I'm getting ready for church is conflict, and sure enough as I am getting ready, what do I hear coming from another room-conflict! Conflict is often about two sides both being right and the other side wrong, neither side seeing the other's point of view- generally. Sometimes one side is right, and the other wrong, but the way I see it, most of the time if conflict is coming about, both sides really need to look at it that none was 100% right. The only thing that truly cures conflict is humility.

After a what seemed like a long lecture on pointing out to one of my dear children the value of restoring harmony and taking the humble road to accept that she may have been even slightly wrong, we arrived at church, still frazzled by what had earlier taken place. "Let's go inside." "No, I don't want to, I'm still mad." "It's ok, church is the place to be when you feel that way. Sometimes being in church fixes those bad feelings." Reluctantly we go inside. No one but God knows what has just taken place. A while later, she excuses herself to use the restroom, comes back, and slips her arm around my waist. No words, just a gesture. The words of the Cherubic Hymn are soothing as we "lay aside all worldly care, that we may receive the King of all."

After church we joined together for fellowship in our social hall, chatting with friends, and even getting into some interesting and thought provoking conversations, and then... a voice in the conversation brings back the memory of all that took place earlier in the morning with words that dealt with our topic of conversation- "the problem is that we are taught to be proud instead of grateful, and we don't learn humility" he said. So my next question was, "how do I teach this when the heart wants to be stubborn?"

Once home, a friend calls. The topic- family conflict. I realize to some extent all families face conflict in some for or another, and to varying degrees of severity. While some are able to move on, at other times there is what appears to be irreversible damage, unforgivingness and brokenness. I don't have words to heal the pain of others, but hope that God is bigger than any problem, and through humility and cooperation with Him, it is God who carries those problems over the tallest mountains and deepest valleys. 

I wondered about what the Fathers of the early church would say, and turned to a small book, On Marriage and Family Life by St. John Chrysostom. I'm not going to quote anything because everyone should read this book for themselves, but will say the principles written in the 4th century are totally relevant to our family relationships today. So simple, and full of wisdom. Bearing conflict through love and nurture verses entitlement- loving the one who doesn't listen, or obey, because while we have an expectation of our spouse or child they are not slaves who are always going to agree. A couple is so joined as if they are the same flesh, and the child is the fruit of their union. How do we hold back in doing all we can to nurture that relationship? If there is conflict, there must be a desire for restoration and the harder we make our hearts, our pride will continue to divide. The Holy Trinity is in unity. All are given authority and equality while the Father is given the headship. It is perfect unity in full cooperation, and the model of our own lives and families. We are called to love in this way, and that takes real humility. 

By afternoon, the morning's conflict was restored- by an act of humility- first by one who apologized (and I believe the most correct in addressing what was taking place) and then by the one who insisted on being right who took the time to think through that perhaps not everything was right on her part, and it was better to let go of her pride. This is humility. This is love.

Feeling Good about New Year's

   New Year's is a big deal at my house. The two main reasons- My son's birthday being New Year's Eve and living in Hawaii where I'll just say New Year's is like no other. I love New Year's Eve and New Year's day even though it takes lots of hard work for me to prepare and recover from our celebrations. But in the few moments between the experiences of New Year's, I try to think of all those soul seeking thoughts that I am supposed to. Those thoughts that come to mind are how can I assess the past year and what are the resolutions I need to make for the coming year. In a way, it takes a little bit away from the lightheartedness and fun going on. I am purposely making it serious business. Well this kind of serious business can take a little bit of the fun out of New Year's, but even so, I want to feel good about it all.
   Looking back- for the most part, I count my blessings- looking at the joys I have shared together with my family and friends, considering what I have accomplished, and just being thankful to see another year and the beginning of a new season. I cannot look back on the year, however, without reminiscing some of the more sobering days, thinking of those close to my heart who have passed away, gone away, or those who this past year have met with personal difficulties dealing with loss, health, relationship difficulties, and other kinds of hardship and stress. Sometimes my heart is so heavy for just thinking about these things- who hasn't been affected in some capacity to the harder aspects of life. So, I breathe deeply, close my eyes for a few moments, cross myself and say a prayer in my heart that even I don't know how to pray but feel certain God is hearing at that very moment.
   My thoughts turn to the future. This is my chance. It's a new year and now I have an excuse to make every effort to make a conscientious start to do better and be better than I was last year. What should I change first. It's a challenge. And, whose little nagging voice is whispering into my thoughts that I will fail. I feel defeated before I have even started. But, I know it's good and it's worth a try. I will try. It's New year's Day and I feel good. My faith gives me hope that this mystery of life is good- no matter what has happened or what will come.
My hope is the Father, my refuge the Son, my shelter the Holy Spirit. O Holy Trinity, glory be to Thee.

When I'm My Brother's Keeper: One Life in the Hands of Another

My oldest son is about to deploy to war. I asked him the other night if he was getting worried. He replied that all soldiers get worried. I tried to give him some encouragement, something moms always feel they need to do. I gave him some words of hope, not to be afraid, trusting that our time is in God's hands, that we live one day at a time, and do our best. Then his words struck me and I could see in his eyes the heaviness as he spoke of the lives of others that would be in his hands. That is a heavy thought.
I can still see the look in his eyes. The next time we spoke about his deployment, I wanted to give him a few more encouraging words. For one thing, how proud I am of him. He is a thoughtful young man, serious minded, honest, hard working, and cares about others. I told him that he is someone I would trust with my own life, and feel confident in his leadership.
I started to think about being responsible for someone else, even to the point of being responsible for life itself. This is a big reality for a soldier heading to war. In the professional world I think of doctors, emergency workers like firefighters and police, those who deal often with life and death situations. Then I thought we are really all in this place, and should be mindful of our reponsibility towards others. How we live could bring us face to face with life and death.
I am a parent. The moment I learned I was to become a parent, that thought and reality of bringing life into the world made me more conscious of the responsibility I had for the very life of my child. While I believed my children were in God's hands, I still felt the burden of responsibility for them. I am a steward in God's world. I am responsible for the way I treat others, as well as how I treat the world around me. Why? Because what I do impacts more than me. In a sense, I am my brother's keeper. We all are. Maybe we forget now and then. Maybe until something big confronts us, we don't think much about it. We are all to be responsible. And we need to support and encourage those who are faced with carrying larger burdens.
My son and others are going to feel what it is to hold a person's life in their hands. What happens if a life is lost? What happens when circumstances move outside of what a person can control? I pray he and those he is serving with will not face this kind of situation. I pray for the soldiers responsible for my son. I pray they will find peace and no harm will come to them. God bless and protect our soldiers. God bless America.

The Dignity of the Elderly

I am presently spending the month with my 92 year old grandmother and up until recently was the primary caregiver to my 92 year old mother in law. Up until the last couple of years ago both of these 2 matriarchs were proud to boast of their great health and the blessing of still having their minds in tact at their ages. Things change a lot for the elderly in a short time. My grandmother is still in excellent health and state of mind, although a little more frail, but this is no longer so in my mother in law's situation. Stroke has left her with dementia and the need for 24 hour care that is at a level that our family can no longer provide for her and has had to turn to a full time care provider.  This has been a difficult road. This has also been an important time of growing, learning, patience, faith and love. I've learned so much from them, and while the two are now worlds apart as far as their physical and mental capabilities, both of these amazing women have and will always have dignity that surpasses these capabilities. They deserve to be shown dignity because they live.
The saddest thing I hear from both my grandmother and my mother in law is when they say that they are living too long. Perhaps there is a loss of the pride of youth and independence when they begin to feel that it is a burden to have their children care for them. It is not easy to put aside our own independence and freedom to take care of another adult. It somehow is different than putting everything aside in caring for our children- then again is it really? To be honest, it seems natural to have a baby that needs everything from us. It's so rewarding to see a baby take steps ahead and begin to do things for himself. It's altogether different when an older person can do less and less. As caregivers we feel not a reward of seeing new milestones reached, but the desire to help them hang on to whatever is left and loss of it slipping away. They know that. They see us striving to help them. Sometimes they feel hopeless, and so do we. It's different from letting go of our older children when we find they no longer need us in the same way as when they were young. That's not hopeless, it's hopeful. We hope in the lives they will build for themselves. In the care of the elderly, we know the time draws closer that we will no longer have them. We love them so much, and watching them age feels something like a prolonged goodbye. Still, I don't want to say goodbye yet.
What can I give them and what do they give me. It starts with love. It's a feeling that maybe I can give back in part what they have given to me. I want to do anything I can for them. I want them to know I love them as unconditionally as they loved me. I am willing to sacrifice for them. That's what we do when we love. If I can say something cheerful to bring a simile to their face, and if I can communicate that their abilities or lack of abilities never take away from the love I have for them, perhaps it will bring a smile to their face, and make them feel secure and at peace. They need to feel loved and wanted just like all of us. Sometimes I need to be extra patient and more compassionate. Thank you grandma and mom, you needed to show me that. So often I have had to make that cup half full after discovering it's been half empty too long. I complain about their ailments and get selfish with my time, but what do I really have to complain about? I still like to listen to my grandma tell me about old times and watch her busy herself with her day to day activities. I try to change the mood when the grumbling attitude creeps in and we need to talk about more cheerful things. With my mother in law, I am so glad that I listened to all of those old stories she told me when she could, so now I can tell them to her and see joy in her face when she hears them again and again. Until the last breath they breathe, I hope they will feel a sense of peace that comes from being loved, and even if they don't remember me, the feeling will remain. That they will be treated with dignity, love and honor is all I can hope for them.

Men Need Good Male Friendships

My last post was a sarcastic view on wives keeping their husbands happy, but here I would like to take the opportunity to write something in favor of happy husbands. This may not be scientific fact, (perhaps someone can actually do a study about this) but I've noticed that great husbands and generally happy men have strong male friendships, particularly where their friends provide positive role models and influences.
On the other hand, I have also noticed that many wives tend to sabotage male friendships. Perhaps after a husband is at work all week, spending a Saturday with his buddies appears selfish, and the wife thinks being home and doing things is much more important, and maybe that particular Saturday it is- I'll try not to judge. I just don't think its a healthy thing to do all the time. Woman prize their girlfriends. We go the extra mile to find the time to get together for lunch, shopping, or even a long telephone conversation. We are refreshed when we spend time with our girlfriends. Does the man in your life have such a luxury in his guy friends?
Some men would not admit the need to have close friendships with other men. He thinks his family provides all he needs. The wife might think so too, that she can address all the needs of her husband. It looks like an ideal relationship, but can the wife and family be everything at all times? Here again I hope not to judge and make too big generalizations, but I have seen situations like this that can become controlling or stale.
A woman should love when her man has great guy friends. A man expends physical energy and de-stresses athletically with his friends. He should have friends with similar interests that motivate and push him. He needs friends that share values, so as he watches them in life situations they help shape ideas that he brings to his own home, providing a balance. Sometimes the way he would do something can be even better if the example of his friend models inspires a healthier perspective. Sometimes our husbands need to be the encouragement to their friends also, because friendship isn't just in needing, but also in giving. Friendship is one of the greatest expressions of love.

keeping husbands happy vs. keeping wives happy

Shopping at my local bookstore today, I came across an interesting book that I just couldn't resist: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage- How to Keep Your Husband Happy and Make Love Last" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Years ago I used to listen to Dr. Laura's radio program while driving on my way to various kid practices, and I always enjoyed her common sense advice. This is one reason why the book appealed to me, but not the only reason. Lately, I've taken notice that there are tons of books and articles written about keeping husbands happy, not to mention how often women talk about keeping their husbands happy. I suppose this has always been the case, but lately it's been bugging me. For this reason, I've decided to explore the other side of the question of keeping husbands happy, and that is keeping wives happy.
I am not against keeping husbands happy. I'd like to think I keep my husband happy, and he keeps me happy too. I am a very traditional woman, perhaps more like a housewife of the 50's than of my own generation, but like those June Cleaver 50's housewives, even they have their principles and know the time to speak out! Enough one-sided how to please your husband books please! Are husbands that needy that wives are always having to run to the bookstore to find the latest way to please them? Are men so selfish and high maintenance that all their happiness depends upon the performance of their wife? Are women creating self-centered men by succumbing to fear that they will loose their man if they can't keep them happy? How many men are running to the bookstore looking for books called "Husbands, How to Keep your Wives Happy" or men's magazine articles entitled "Romantic Nights and Becoming the Prince Charming She Thought You Were on Your Wedding Night." How many sermons are preached on a given Sunday on the topic "Husbands Love Your Wives as Christ Loved the Church"? It's very obvious that this is a one sided issue, extremely pertinent to women, but of little significance to men.
I am anxious to start reading my new book, because I am curious to see what Dr. Laura thinks men need from their wives to be happy. I think I can guess fairly well. I wonder if she'll bring up any women's needs even though we already know what we need, but just for the sake that some women might strategically leave the book open at that spot for their man to catch a glance. I also sit here with some cynical thoughts about the whole idea of keeping each other happy, after all is love really about performance? If a husband and wife both are committed to loving the other, won't their words and actions reflect that love? Won't the need for having to be pleased be exchanged for mutual love? I address this to husbands and wives, love each other 100%, not 50/50, not based on performance, not selfishly, but with respect, mutual affection, and commitment to your spouse, with the love of God. Think of something higher and greater than giving and taking in love- giving and taking happens and is a natural part of the way we love, but if it becomes all about that, chances are someone will end up doing all the giving and the other all the taking, so reach higher than that!