New Year's is a big deal at my house. The two main reasons- My son's birthday being New Year's Eve and living in Hawaii where I'll just say New Year's is like no other. I love New Year's Eve and New Year's day even though it takes lots of hard work for me to prepare and recover from our celebrations. But in the few moments between the experiences of New Year's, I try to think of all those soul seeking thoughts that I am supposed to. Those thoughts that come to mind are how can I assess the past year and what are the resolutions I need to make for the coming year. In a way, it takes a little bit away from the lightheartedness and fun going on. I am purposely making it serious business. Well this kind of serious business can take a little bit of the fun out of New Year's, but even so, I want to feel good about it all.
Looking back- for the most part, I count my blessings- looking at the joys I have shared together with my family and friends, considering what I have accomplished, and just being thankful to see another year and the beginning of a new season. I cannot look back on the year, however, without reminiscing some of the more sobering days, thinking of those close to my heart who have passed away, gone away, or those who this past year have met with personal difficulties dealing with loss, health, relationship difficulties, and other kinds of hardship and stress. Sometimes my heart is so heavy for just thinking about these things- who hasn't been affected in some capacity to the harder aspects of life. So, I breathe deeply, close my eyes for a few moments, cross myself and say a prayer in my heart that even I don't know how to pray but feel certain God is hearing at that very moment.
My thoughts turn to the future. This is my chance. It's a new year and now I have an excuse to make every effort to make a conscientious start to do better and be better than I was last year. What should I change first. It's a challenge. And, whose little nagging voice is whispering into my thoughts that I will fail. I feel defeated before I have even started. But, I know it's good and it's worth a try. I will try. It's New year's Day and I feel good. My faith gives me hope that this mystery of life is good- no matter what has happened or what will come.
My hope is the Father, my refuge the Son, my shelter the Holy Spirit. O Holy Trinity, glory be to Thee.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Friday, September 24, 2010
When I'm My Brother's Keeper: One Life in the Hands of Another
My oldest son is about to deploy to war. I asked him the other night if he was getting worried. He replied that all soldiers get worried. I tried to give him some encouragement, something moms always feel they need to do. I gave him some words of hope, not to be afraid, trusting that our time is in God's hands, that we live one day at a time, and do our best. Then his words struck me and I could see in his eyes the heaviness as he spoke of the lives of others that would be in his hands. That is a heavy thought.
I can still see the look in his eyes. The next time we spoke about his deployment, I wanted to give him a few more encouraging words. For one thing, how proud I am of him. He is a thoughtful young man, serious minded, honest, hard working, and cares about others. I told him that he is someone I would trust with my own life, and feel confident in his leadership.
I started to think about being responsible for someone else, even to the point of being responsible for life itself. This is a big reality for a soldier heading to war. In the professional world I think of doctors, emergency workers like firefighters and police, those who deal often with life and death situations. Then I thought we are really all in this place, and should be mindful of our reponsibility towards others. How we live could bring us face to face with life and death.
I am a parent. The moment I learned I was to become a parent, that thought and reality of bringing life into the world made me more conscious of the responsibility I had for the very life of my child. While I believed my children were in God's hands, I still felt the burden of responsibility for them. I am a steward in God's world. I am responsible for the way I treat others, as well as how I treat the world around me. Why? Because what I do impacts more than me. In a sense, I am my brother's keeper. We all are. Maybe we forget now and then. Maybe until something big confronts us, we don't think much about it. We are all to be responsible. And we need to support and encourage those who are faced with carrying larger burdens.
My son and others are going to feel what it is to hold a person's life in their hands. What happens if a life is lost? What happens when circumstances move outside of what a person can control? I pray he and those he is serving with will not face this kind of situation. I pray for the soldiers responsible for my son. I pray they will find peace and no harm will come to them. God bless and protect our soldiers. God bless America.
I can still see the look in his eyes. The next time we spoke about his deployment, I wanted to give him a few more encouraging words. For one thing, how proud I am of him. He is a thoughtful young man, serious minded, honest, hard working, and cares about others. I told him that he is someone I would trust with my own life, and feel confident in his leadership.
I started to think about being responsible for someone else, even to the point of being responsible for life itself. This is a big reality for a soldier heading to war. In the professional world I think of doctors, emergency workers like firefighters and police, those who deal often with life and death situations. Then I thought we are really all in this place, and should be mindful of our reponsibility towards others. How we live could bring us face to face with life and death.
I am a parent. The moment I learned I was to become a parent, that thought and reality of bringing life into the world made me more conscious of the responsibility I had for the very life of my child. While I believed my children were in God's hands, I still felt the burden of responsibility for them. I am a steward in God's world. I am responsible for the way I treat others, as well as how I treat the world around me. Why? Because what I do impacts more than me. In a sense, I am my brother's keeper. We all are. Maybe we forget now and then. Maybe until something big confronts us, we don't think much about it. We are all to be responsible. And we need to support and encourage those who are faced with carrying larger burdens.
My son and others are going to feel what it is to hold a person's life in their hands. What happens if a life is lost? What happens when circumstances move outside of what a person can control? I pray he and those he is serving with will not face this kind of situation. I pray for the soldiers responsible for my son. I pray they will find peace and no harm will come to them. God bless and protect our soldiers. God bless America.
Monday, September 6, 2010
The Dignity of the Elderly
I am presently spending the month with my 92 year old grandmother and up until recently was the primary caregiver to my 92 year old mother in law. Up until the last couple of years ago both of these 2 matriarchs were proud to boast of their great health and the blessing of still having their minds in tact at their ages. Things change a lot for the elderly in a short time. My grandmother is still in excellent health and state of mind, although a little more frail, but this is no longer so in my mother in law's situation. Stroke has left her with dementia and the need for 24 hour care that is at a level that our family can no longer provide for her and has had to turn to a full time care provider. This has been a difficult road. This has also been an important time of growing, learning, patience, faith and love. I've learned so much from them, and while the two are now worlds apart as far as their physical and mental capabilities, both of these amazing women have and will always have dignity that surpasses these capabilities. They deserve to be shown dignity because they live.
The saddest thing I hear from both my grandmother and my mother in law is when they say that they are living too long. Perhaps there is a loss of the pride of youth and independence when they begin to feel that it is a burden to have their children care for them. It is not easy to put aside our own independence and freedom to take care of another adult. It somehow is different than putting everything aside in caring for our children- then again is it really? To be honest, it seems natural to have a baby that needs everything from us. It's so rewarding to see a baby take steps ahead and begin to do things for himself. It's altogether different when an older person can do less and less. As caregivers we feel not a reward of seeing new milestones reached, but the desire to help them hang on to whatever is left and loss of it slipping away. They know that. They see us striving to help them. Sometimes they feel hopeless, and so do we. It's different from letting go of our older children when we find they no longer need us in the same way as when they were young. That's not hopeless, it's hopeful. We hope in the lives they will build for themselves. In the care of the elderly, we know the time draws closer that we will no longer have them. We love them so much, and watching them age feels something like a prolonged goodbye. Still, I don't want to say goodbye yet.
What can I give them and what do they give me. It starts with love. It's a feeling that maybe I can give back in part what they have given to me. I want to do anything I can for them. I want them to know I love them as unconditionally as they loved me. I am willing to sacrifice for them. That's what we do when we love. If I can say something cheerful to bring a simile to their face, and if I can communicate that their abilities or lack of abilities never take away from the love I have for them, perhaps it will bring a smile to their face, and make them feel secure and at peace. They need to feel loved and wanted just like all of us. Sometimes I need to be extra patient and more compassionate. Thank you grandma and mom, you needed to show me that. So often I have had to make that cup half full after discovering it's been half empty too long. I complain about their ailments and get selfish with my time, but what do I really have to complain about? I still like to listen to my grandma tell me about old times and watch her busy herself with her day to day activities. I try to change the mood when the grumbling attitude creeps in and we need to talk about more cheerful things. With my mother in law, I am so glad that I listened to all of those old stories she told me when she could, so now I can tell them to her and see joy in her face when she hears them again and again. Until the last breath they breathe, I hope they will feel a sense of peace that comes from being loved, and even if they don't remember me, the feeling will remain. That they will be treated with dignity, love and honor is all I can hope for them.
The saddest thing I hear from both my grandmother and my mother in law is when they say that they are living too long. Perhaps there is a loss of the pride of youth and independence when they begin to feel that it is a burden to have their children care for them. It is not easy to put aside our own independence and freedom to take care of another adult. It somehow is different than putting everything aside in caring for our children- then again is it really? To be honest, it seems natural to have a baby that needs everything from us. It's so rewarding to see a baby take steps ahead and begin to do things for himself. It's altogether different when an older person can do less and less. As caregivers we feel not a reward of seeing new milestones reached, but the desire to help them hang on to whatever is left and loss of it slipping away. They know that. They see us striving to help them. Sometimes they feel hopeless, and so do we. It's different from letting go of our older children when we find they no longer need us in the same way as when they were young. That's not hopeless, it's hopeful. We hope in the lives they will build for themselves. In the care of the elderly, we know the time draws closer that we will no longer have them. We love them so much, and watching them age feels something like a prolonged goodbye. Still, I don't want to say goodbye yet.
What can I give them and what do they give me. It starts with love. It's a feeling that maybe I can give back in part what they have given to me. I want to do anything I can for them. I want them to know I love them as unconditionally as they loved me. I am willing to sacrifice for them. That's what we do when we love. If I can say something cheerful to bring a simile to their face, and if I can communicate that their abilities or lack of abilities never take away from the love I have for them, perhaps it will bring a smile to their face, and make them feel secure and at peace. They need to feel loved and wanted just like all of us. Sometimes I need to be extra patient and more compassionate. Thank you grandma and mom, you needed to show me that. So often I have had to make that cup half full after discovering it's been half empty too long. I complain about their ailments and get selfish with my time, but what do I really have to complain about? I still like to listen to my grandma tell me about old times and watch her busy herself with her day to day activities. I try to change the mood when the grumbling attitude creeps in and we need to talk about more cheerful things. With my mother in law, I am so glad that I listened to all of those old stories she told me when she could, so now I can tell them to her and see joy in her face when she hears them again and again. Until the last breath they breathe, I hope they will feel a sense of peace that comes from being loved, and even if they don't remember me, the feeling will remain. That they will be treated with dignity, love and honor is all I can hope for them.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Men Need Good Male Friendships
My last post was a sarcastic view on wives keeping their husbands happy, but here I would like to take the opportunity to write something in favor of happy husbands. This may not be scientific fact, (perhaps someone can actually do a study about this) but I've noticed that great husbands and generally happy men have strong male friendships, particularly where their friends provide positive role models and influences.
On the other hand, I have also noticed that many wives tend to sabotage male friendships. Perhaps after a husband is at work all week, spending a Saturday with his buddies appears selfish, and the wife thinks being home and doing things is much more important, and maybe that particular Saturday it is- I'll try not to judge. I just don't think its a healthy thing to do all the time. Woman prize their girlfriends. We go the extra mile to find the time to get together for lunch, shopping, or even a long telephone conversation. We are refreshed when we spend time with our girlfriends. Does the man in your life have such a luxury in his guy friends?
Some men would not admit the need to have close friendships with other men. He thinks his family provides all he needs. The wife might think so too, that she can address all the needs of her husband. It looks like an ideal relationship, but can the wife and family be everything at all times? Here again I hope not to judge and make too big generalizations, but I have seen situations like this that can become controlling or stale.
A woman should love when her man has great guy friends. A man expends physical energy and de-stresses athletically with his friends. He should have friends with similar interests that motivate and push him. He needs friends that share values, so as he watches them in life situations they help shape ideas that he brings to his own home, providing a balance. Sometimes the way he would do something can be even better if the example of his friend models inspires a healthier perspective. Sometimes our husbands need to be the encouragement to their friends also, because friendship isn't just in needing, but also in giving. Friendship is one of the greatest expressions of love.
On the other hand, I have also noticed that many wives tend to sabotage male friendships. Perhaps after a husband is at work all week, spending a Saturday with his buddies appears selfish, and the wife thinks being home and doing things is much more important, and maybe that particular Saturday it is- I'll try not to judge. I just don't think its a healthy thing to do all the time. Woman prize their girlfriends. We go the extra mile to find the time to get together for lunch, shopping, or even a long telephone conversation. We are refreshed when we spend time with our girlfriends. Does the man in your life have such a luxury in his guy friends?
Some men would not admit the need to have close friendships with other men. He thinks his family provides all he needs. The wife might think so too, that she can address all the needs of her husband. It looks like an ideal relationship, but can the wife and family be everything at all times? Here again I hope not to judge and make too big generalizations, but I have seen situations like this that can become controlling or stale.
A woman should love when her man has great guy friends. A man expends physical energy and de-stresses athletically with his friends. He should have friends with similar interests that motivate and push him. He needs friends that share values, so as he watches them in life situations they help shape ideas that he brings to his own home, providing a balance. Sometimes the way he would do something can be even better if the example of his friend models inspires a healthier perspective. Sometimes our husbands need to be the encouragement to their friends also, because friendship isn't just in needing, but also in giving. Friendship is one of the greatest expressions of love.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
keeping husbands happy vs. keeping wives happy
Shopping at my local bookstore today, I came across an interesting book that I just couldn't resist: "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage- How to Keep Your Husband Happy and Make Love Last" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Years ago I used to listen to Dr. Laura's radio program while driving on my way to various kid practices, and I always enjoyed her common sense advice. This is one reason why the book appealed to me, but not the only reason. Lately, I've taken notice that there are tons of books and articles written about keeping husbands happy, not to mention how often women talk about keeping their husbands happy. I suppose this has always been the case, but lately it's been bugging me. For this reason, I've decided to explore the other side of the question of keeping husbands happy, and that is keeping wives happy.
I am not against keeping husbands happy. I'd like to think I keep my husband happy, and he keeps me happy too. I am a very traditional woman, perhaps more like a housewife of the 50's than of my own generation, but like those June Cleaver 50's housewives, even they have their principles and know the time to speak out! Enough one-sided how to please your husband books please! Are husbands that needy that wives are always having to run to the bookstore to find the latest way to please them? Are men so selfish and high maintenance that all their happiness depends upon the performance of their wife? Are women creating self-centered men by succumbing to fear that they will loose their man if they can't keep them happy? How many men are running to the bookstore looking for books called "Husbands, How to Keep your Wives Happy" or men's magazine articles entitled "Romantic Nights and Becoming the Prince Charming She Thought You Were on Your Wedding Night." How many sermons are preached on a given Sunday on the topic "Husbands Love Your Wives as Christ Loved the Church"? It's very obvious that this is a one sided issue, extremely pertinent to women, but of little significance to men.
I am anxious to start reading my new book, because I am curious to see what Dr. Laura thinks men need from their wives to be happy. I think I can guess fairly well. I wonder if she'll bring up any women's needs even though we already know what we need, but just for the sake that some women might strategically leave the book open at that spot for their man to catch a glance. I also sit here with some cynical thoughts about the whole idea of keeping each other happy, after all is love really about performance? If a husband and wife both are committed to loving the other, won't their words and actions reflect that love? Won't the need for having to be pleased be exchanged for mutual love? I address this to husbands and wives, love each other 100%, not 50/50, not based on performance, not selfishly, but with respect, mutual affection, and commitment to your spouse, with the love of God. Think of something higher and greater than giving and taking in love- giving and taking happens and is a natural part of the way we love, but if it becomes all about that, chances are someone will end up doing all the giving and the other all the taking, so reach higher than that!
I am not against keeping husbands happy. I'd like to think I keep my husband happy, and he keeps me happy too. I am a very traditional woman, perhaps more like a housewife of the 50's than of my own generation, but like those June Cleaver 50's housewives, even they have their principles and know the time to speak out! Enough one-sided how to please your husband books please! Are husbands that needy that wives are always having to run to the bookstore to find the latest way to please them? Are men so selfish and high maintenance that all their happiness depends upon the performance of their wife? Are women creating self-centered men by succumbing to fear that they will loose their man if they can't keep them happy? How many men are running to the bookstore looking for books called "Husbands, How to Keep your Wives Happy" or men's magazine articles entitled "Romantic Nights and Becoming the Prince Charming She Thought You Were on Your Wedding Night." How many sermons are preached on a given Sunday on the topic "Husbands Love Your Wives as Christ Loved the Church"? It's very obvious that this is a one sided issue, extremely pertinent to women, but of little significance to men.
I am anxious to start reading my new book, because I am curious to see what Dr. Laura thinks men need from their wives to be happy. I think I can guess fairly well. I wonder if she'll bring up any women's needs even though we already know what we need, but just for the sake that some women might strategically leave the book open at that spot for their man to catch a glance. I also sit here with some cynical thoughts about the whole idea of keeping each other happy, after all is love really about performance? If a husband and wife both are committed to loving the other, won't their words and actions reflect that love? Won't the need for having to be pleased be exchanged for mutual love? I address this to husbands and wives, love each other 100%, not 50/50, not based on performance, not selfishly, but with respect, mutual affection, and commitment to your spouse, with the love of God. Think of something higher and greater than giving and taking in love- giving and taking happens and is a natural part of the way we love, but if it becomes all about that, chances are someone will end up doing all the giving and the other all the taking, so reach higher than that!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Search the Scriptures - Ancient Faith Radio
Search the Scriptures - Ancient Faith Radio
The above link is from a great podcast Bible Study that I have been listening to. I am enjoying these studies so much that I wanted to share it on my blog. It's a very thorough, college level Biblical studies course taught by Dr. Jeannie Constantinou.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I Wonder What They're Doing Now- for parents when the children are gone
Next week my remaining children at home will all be away at summer camp. I will have one week of being an empty nester. Several families from my church will be experiencing the same, as we send our children off to camp together. How many times will we think over the week to come, "I wonder what the children are doing now?" Of course many parents will also find that when their children are gone, they will have lots of time to catch up on their individual needs, and maybe even enjoy having their spouse alone for the brief time, but at some point they'll ask themselves, "I wonder what they're doing now?"
My husband and I are both the type of people who enjoy spending most of our time around our children, and with two of our children grown and independent, we cherish those times when everyone is home. It is natural for us to miss them when they go away, but it is also natural to gradually let go and release them to grow up.
All parents are familiar with watching our children experience separation anxiety at those baby stages, when simply venturing into a different room, or handing our baby to another person to carry creates reluctance to terror in the child, to varying degrees depending on the child's own temperament. What we hate to admit is our own separation anxiety. How hard is it to the mother who goes out to work and entrusts a sitter or child care provider? The mother who is home full time with her child may experience it for the first time when she leaves child to go to an appointment, or in social or church settings where nursery care is becoming more and more popular, or even that first day of school. Whatever the situation is, at some point we separate from our children and experience to a degree of letting go.
Children have different needs and so do parents in how they experience being apart. My first two children were as opposite as night and day when it came to being apart from my husband and I. The oldest had an independent and fearless spirit very young, but his brother was very uncomfortable away from us. I've also seen in my friends so many varying levels and attitudes about how they respond to time away from their children. For some, it's necessity, they need to work and need to adapt to being away from a child. Others are so uncomfortable about the whole idea that their lifestyles have centered upon the time spent with their children. We all have different needs and comfort levels, but the truth is, Lord willing, every child will grow up and become his own. Every parent in turn lets go.
I have come to the point in my life where I am comfortable with the idea of what I call releasing my children. It wasn't always so, I think I may have even been on the more extreme side of not wanting to be away from my children. My reason for this change is most probably in the spiritual comfort I take as a mother who has had to completely release her child. Almost 10 years ago we had a child born with a fatal birth defect who only spent a week with us. It was life-changing. My whole understanding of children being a gift of God grew, and so did my understanding that they truly belong to Him. He entrusts me with them for a time- His time, and I in turn entrust my God with them completely.
What happens in the practical sense of being entrusted and entrusting God in the matter of how we let go of our children? It means taking seriously our jobs as parents to prepare our children and guide them into adulthood, and it also means that when we have done what we are capable of doing, ultimately we will depend on trusting God and His love for them which is greater than ours.
I am not afraid for my children when they are away from my presence. Being away allows them to practice those values which were taught at home. They will have opportunities to mature and learn to make their own decisions. They will be accountable for their actions, whether good or bad. They will tackle challenging issues as they face new ideas that may differ from the ones they learned at home. I risk a great deal as they grow up, because I know they will have different opinions and ideas from those we taught them, but at the same time so much will be even carried to the next generation. I've loved them, taught them, prayed for them, let go of them, and allow God to carry on what needs to be done. Because of this, I can ask myself the question "I wonder what they are doing now?"and ask it with peace and affection in my heart, in a healthy way without fear, but only because I'm a normal mom who will always be thinking of her children.
My husband and I are both the type of people who enjoy spending most of our time around our children, and with two of our children grown and independent, we cherish those times when everyone is home. It is natural for us to miss them when they go away, but it is also natural to gradually let go and release them to grow up.
All parents are familiar with watching our children experience separation anxiety at those baby stages, when simply venturing into a different room, or handing our baby to another person to carry creates reluctance to terror in the child, to varying degrees depending on the child's own temperament. What we hate to admit is our own separation anxiety. How hard is it to the mother who goes out to work and entrusts a sitter or child care provider? The mother who is home full time with her child may experience it for the first time when she leaves child to go to an appointment, or in social or church settings where nursery care is becoming more and more popular, or even that first day of school. Whatever the situation is, at some point we separate from our children and experience to a degree of letting go.
Children have different needs and so do parents in how they experience being apart. My first two children were as opposite as night and day when it came to being apart from my husband and I. The oldest had an independent and fearless spirit very young, but his brother was very uncomfortable away from us. I've also seen in my friends so many varying levels and attitudes about how they respond to time away from their children. For some, it's necessity, they need to work and need to adapt to being away from a child. Others are so uncomfortable about the whole idea that their lifestyles have centered upon the time spent with their children. We all have different needs and comfort levels, but the truth is, Lord willing, every child will grow up and become his own. Every parent in turn lets go.
I have come to the point in my life where I am comfortable with the idea of what I call releasing my children. It wasn't always so, I think I may have even been on the more extreme side of not wanting to be away from my children. My reason for this change is most probably in the spiritual comfort I take as a mother who has had to completely release her child. Almost 10 years ago we had a child born with a fatal birth defect who only spent a week with us. It was life-changing. My whole understanding of children being a gift of God grew, and so did my understanding that they truly belong to Him. He entrusts me with them for a time- His time, and I in turn entrust my God with them completely.
What happens in the practical sense of being entrusted and entrusting God in the matter of how we let go of our children? It means taking seriously our jobs as parents to prepare our children and guide them into adulthood, and it also means that when we have done what we are capable of doing, ultimately we will depend on trusting God and His love for them which is greater than ours.
I am not afraid for my children when they are away from my presence. Being away allows them to practice those values which were taught at home. They will have opportunities to mature and learn to make their own decisions. They will be accountable for their actions, whether good or bad. They will tackle challenging issues as they face new ideas that may differ from the ones they learned at home. I risk a great deal as they grow up, because I know they will have different opinions and ideas from those we taught them, but at the same time so much will be even carried to the next generation. I've loved them, taught them, prayed for them, let go of them, and allow God to carry on what needs to be done. Because of this, I can ask myself the question "I wonder what they are doing now?"and ask it with peace and affection in my heart, in a healthy way without fear, but only because I'm a normal mom who will always be thinking of her children.
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